Monday, October 12, 2015

Revival or nostalgia?

Still alive and kicking! It's been a very um, colorful 3 years since I've done this. Much has happened since then - I've moved,dealt with roommates that were less than exemplary,had an accident, and a whole bunch of general shenanigans in between.

 I don't know if I'm reviving the site or if I'm just feeling nostalgic since I'm finally about to take a vacation in 3 years and go back to New York(which also was like 3 years,ha...); either way, I kinda feel like things are stabilizing again so I want to give a try. Let's just be easy and breezy. No promises to break, no hard deadlines(have plenty of those as it is!) , just something fun and refreshing hopefully.  With that said, let's air out some personal exposition. It's a blog after all, right?

 I feel like where I am now is where I really wanted to be 3 years ago, but I had some speedbumps to get there. I like the home I'm building for myself as of now. I'm learning new things every day. The people I'm around  now are good to be around and motivate me in their own ways. It's nice to be around people who help drive you, whether it be with admiration,competition, or anything else. Everything isn't where I want it to be yet and there are many days that feel longer than others, but I feel like it's really in my ball court now. All I wanted for the longest time was a chance to be in charge of my own successes or failures. People can't do everything themselves, but they also shouldn't be helpless either. 3 years have past and it was a period of many trials. Sometimes, I'm amazed I didn't just crash and burn while destroying everything around me. My destiny was dependent on the trust of others. In some ways, I paid for the naivete then many times. I suppose I always knew it, but it didn't really take to heart yet: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and expect something in-between" I won't deny the help of others, but I wish to be as capable as possible on my own. Now that I've been granted that chance, I want to be as greedy as possible. I want to be as ambitious and accomplished as time will allow. I've been walking or crawling for so long, I want to jog or run as fast as I can right now until I run out of air. Whether my desire to go back to school, professional growth, social stability, or as something simple as personal growth. I doubted myself so much for so long. I cursed my failures and inability to resolve anything. Frustration. Anger. Hate. I had so much of it at myself. I won't admit to having a great self confidence or self esteem now, but I think I want more than anything right now is to not let myself be left like this. I have control on how awesome and amazing my life can be or how utterly abysmal my existence can be; all I worked toward the last 3 years was a chance. This time, if something great happens or something bad happens- it's all on me and I can live with that. As long as it's all on me and because of pretty much me, game on.